Friday Blues

Why is it so easy to take things too personally? Is it because in doing so it validates my insecurities that I'm so sure of? Is it lack of sleep? Is it PMS? *Sigh* I just feel so worthless today. Want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and just sleep until I feel better - not physically (okay, well maybe a little bit physically, was up kind of late last night) but emotionally. Just an ugly day. (in case you couldn't tell) O well, time to put in my Footloose soundtrack and see if that won't help me feel better.

Ponderings

I can't really explain this, but its like I am hitting a brick wall. A wall I put up myself for whatever reason that I now cannot seem to get around. I am struggling with why I do (or don't do) things the way I do. Why is change so difficult? Why can't replacing old behaviors be as easy as the bad ones were to acquire to begin with? I know, I know. . . personal growth etc. etc. blah blah blah. I can't figure this one out. I know the things I need to be doing so why don't I just do them? Why do I procrastinate and put things off - or get to a poing where I don't even care anymore? Why I can't I just get it all together for once in my measley life? ARGH! I'm not trying to come up with some great philisophical reason for the entire universe, just the motivation to change my life. To be better . . . to follow through with things . . . to become who I want to be and who The Lord wants me to be. But how . . . how do I do it? I guess I am just clay in the hands of the Master. But maybe I'm afraid that the Master won't like the feel of this clay and will not want to mold it.

*Sigh* I've got to go to bed before I get my brain worked up to the point I won't sleep well.

Epiphany

So - wow! It's been almost a year! What the heck! I guess time really does fly. Although I have to admit I have thought about posting entries during the last several months, that thing called procrastination - which I unfortunately am ever-so-good at set in and well . . . here we are.

Cant' think of exactly why I would choose tonight to do this -and considering it is past my bedtime . . . but what it boils down to is I have thoughts running through my mind that I need to get rid of so I can get some rest tonight.

I learned something recently and although I still am having a difficult time grasping the concept, (I should probably make it my mantra) it is finally starting to sink in. Guilt is a choice. I know, profound huh? I love my mother - don't get me wrong, I really, really do, she is one of the best people I know, but that lady could give seminars on the most effective uses of guilt and how to use them. What makes it worse is that I don't really think she does it on purpose all the time - she's that good at it.

So! I refuse to feel guilty about cutting her off on the phone a little while ago and ending my conversation on what is probably note a not-so-friendly note. I did say "I love you" before I hung up though - I mean if I didn't and something should happen . . . well, I'd feel horribly guilty.

Another One to Add to the List

Okay - so a couple of weeks ago I sat down and composed a rather witty entry (of course) and then after I previewed it, hit the "back" key to add some more and *POOF* no more entry. I was so disgusted I logged off and went to bed. However! I am now back and ready to blog once more!

So! I had an experince yesterday that will now be added to my Top 10 Embarrassing Moments of All Time. It was one of those things that one half of your brain sees happening in slow motion and tries with all it's might to stop you - only to find that the side controlling your mouth and/or actions plunges right on through.

Being the girly girl that I am, I am very against that extra hair that can be so unbecoming and lets face it, downright gross. But I absolutely hate to shave my legs and underarms since I can't seem to be able to handle a reazor without knicking myelf. I started visitng my local getaway (a.k.a. Serenity Day Spa) to help with the removal of said hair. That's right - I'm talking about waxing. So as I am sitting at work yesterday, it occurs to me that I need to make an appointment for said procedure. I pick-up my phone, dial the number and as it is ringing who should walk in and over to my desk but Jeff the Probation Officer.

Now Jeff is what I would categorize as "Man's Man" No - you know,the traditional big, burly, built-like-a-linebacker guy;and let's face it, if I weren't married,I would totally be tempted to seriously flirt with him. So just as he approaches my desk, and I'm thinking "Hang the phone up and call later" that sweet voice comes on the line, "Serentiy Day Spa, Dani speaking." Again, my brain desperately tries to fight it's way through and send the message, hang up and call back - but no . . . I keep plodding along. (I think you can all see where this is going) I cheerfully say, "Hey this is Jaeme," hoping that my Esthstetician will take the lead and somehow use a psychic ability to tap into my brain and know what I'm calling for. But, since it's me we're talking about - that of course did not happen. Instead, it went something like this. . .

Jaeme: "I was wondering if you had an opening tomorrow after 5:00?"

Dani "Well, no, what are we doing?"

Now, please note, I casually glance over at the waiting p.o.- he's moved back from my desk and is leaning againt the cabinets across the aisle looking in a different direction.

Jaeme: (speaking in nearly a whisper) "Wax"

Dani: "How about during your lunch hour?"

Jaeme: (back to sounding peppy and cheerful) "Sounds great, I'll see you then."

I hang up the phone and turn my attention to the big, burly guy who is now looking directly at me.

Jaeme: Thinking in head "Oh crap - please don't let him have. . .

Jeff: Ouch! That just sounds painful.

Jaeme: heard me." Feeling face getting warm - okay make that hot - great now just thinking about it I know I'm blushing even more now. Quick! Say something clever - some sort of witty sarcastic comeback- Think! Draw on your inner Bina!

"Wus."

Jeff: "Hey, I've seen 40 Year Old Virgin, I know what it's like."

Jaeme: "For heaven's sake I'm not having my chest waxed."

Jaeme: To self in head "Now I have managed to divert the conversation away from my phone call, but now we're talking about my chest.

Awkward - make that beyond awkward - moment.


Thank heavens the subject got changed quickly. I don't even remember if it was me or him that did so, but I'm just glad it happened. I wanted to crawl under my desk. Could it have been worse? Sure and maybe you think that it's not really all that bad - which is great if you do - you can reassure me that it wasn't.

'Twas Just Before Christmas

'Twas just before Christmas
And all through my house
The cats chase each other
As if there were a mouse (which thank heavens there isn't!)

"So much left to get done,"
Says the voice in my head
When really all I want
Is to lay down in my bed.

The coughing and aching
I am still going through
Is past getting old
What am I to do?!?

And then at the moment
I feel most overcome
And stress levels rising
At what's still left to come

I remember the babe
For whom this day was created
The stress is all gone
And I'm feeling elated.

The presents to wrap
And deliver to friends
The cooking and baking
Which will come to and end,

They really don't matter
So things will be late,
My friends are understanding
And really quite great.

More important that boxes
Ribbons and bows
Are peace, love and kindness
Who can do without those?

As I post this note
To all whom may read
May I wish you best
Of the season indeed.

May we reflect,remember
And take a small pause
And remember it's not about
Dear old Mr. Claus . . .

But about the babe born in a stable
Who loved us enough
And giveq us the Atonement
To have peace when times may be rough

To lead us and guide us
And show us the way
That we may all live with Him
In heaven someday.

So Merry Christmas
Happy New Year
To all you out there
May your 2009 be simply beyond compare.

Oh Christmas Tree

I don't know what it is about Christmas lights . . . but I LOVE them! Maybe it's because they add to the magic of the season or maybe it's some deeper theological side of me using them as a metaphor for the Light of the World who's birth we celebrate this time of year . . . whatever the underlying factor is, they just make me happy. Whether it be a house all decked out to the point it looks like it could have been something Hansel & Gretel stumbled on to, to a beautiful nativity scene (like the one my grandparents had that now my cousin still puts up each year) or a Christmas Tree, I love them all. Wait, let me re-phrase that I love them all unless they are blinking to the point that they look like a swarm of some kind of bug crawling all over said house or tree.

When I was a child, one of my favorite things to do this time of year was to turn out all the lights except for the Christmas tree. Then I would just lay on the floor and soak in the season by Christmas light - and firelight (my parent's house has a fabulous fireplace) I loved to watch the light bounce off the ornaments and remember when and where some of the ornaments came from. My own tree is like that now. I try to collect an ornament as a keepsake from a special trip or occasion, or if one especially happens to catch my eye. I have an angel that my dad brought home for me from one of his duty weekends when he was in the Air Force Reserves. I was around 4 years old. It is without a doubt, one of my favorites. Then there's the plush Jack & Gus from Cinderella. When Cinderella was re-released in the theaters when my nieces and nephews were little, McDonalds was a proud to offer Cinderella's buddies in their Happy Meals. I remember on a shopping trip to Salt Lake we were all having happy meals trying to make sure each household had a set. There's a Nutcracker and a Clara ornament as well which were from my mom who knows when. One I simply had to have this year is one from Hallmark - it is a chimney, with Santa trying to cram a hippo down it. It plays "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas" (I LOVE that song!)

All I can say is its nice to know that as we get older (take note that I am actually admitting it) it's nice to know there are some things that have become a part of us from when we are little. Think I'll go have a cup of hot chocolate, sit by the tree and reminisce Happy Holidays!