Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday Blues

Why is it so easy to take things too personally? Is it because in doing so it validates my insecurities that I'm so sure of? Is it lack of sleep? Is it PMS? *Sigh* I just feel so worthless today. Want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and just sleep until I feel better - not physically (okay, well maybe a little bit physically, was up kind of late last night) but emotionally. Just an ugly day. (in case you couldn't tell) O well, time to put in my Footloose soundtrack and see if that won't help me feel better.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ponderings

I can't really explain this, but its like I am hitting a brick wall. A wall I put up myself for whatever reason that I now cannot seem to get around. I am struggling with why I do (or don't do) things the way I do. Why is change so difficult? Why can't replacing old behaviors be as easy as the bad ones were to acquire to begin with? I know, I know. . . personal growth etc. etc. blah blah blah. I can't figure this one out. I know the things I need to be doing so why don't I just do them? Why do I procrastinate and put things off - or get to a poing where I don't even care anymore? Why I can't I just get it all together for once in my measley life? ARGH! I'm not trying to come up with some great philisophical reason for the entire universe, just the motivation to change my life. To be better . . . to follow through with things . . . to become who I want to be and who The Lord wants me to be. But how . . . how do I do it? I guess I am just clay in the hands of the Master. But maybe I'm afraid that the Master won't like the feel of this clay and will not want to mold it.

*Sigh* I've got to go to bed before I get my brain worked up to the point I won't sleep well.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Epiphany

So - wow! It's been almost a year! What the heck! I guess time really does fly. Although I have to admit I have thought about posting entries during the last several months, that thing called procrastination - which I unfortunately am ever-so-good at set in and well . . . here we are.

Cant' think of exactly why I would choose tonight to do this -and considering it is past my bedtime . . . but what it boils down to is I have thoughts running through my mind that I need to get rid of so I can get some rest tonight.

I learned something recently and although I still am having a difficult time grasping the concept, (I should probably make it my mantra) it is finally starting to sink in. Guilt is a choice. I know, profound huh? I love my mother - don't get me wrong, I really, really do, she is one of the best people I know, but that lady could give seminars on the most effective uses of guilt and how to use them. What makes it worse is that I don't really think she does it on purpose all the time - she's that good at it.

So! I refuse to feel guilty about cutting her off on the phone a little while ago and ending my conversation on what is probably note a not-so-friendly note. I did say "I love you" before I hung up though - I mean if I didn't and something should happen . . . well, I'd feel horribly guilty.